Meet the star of The Bachelor, Nick Viall! Y’all remember Nick, right? The runner up on Andi Dorfman‘s season of the Bachelorette, and called her out on national television for sleeping with him in the Fantasy suite. (If you haven’t read her book, “It’s Not Okay,” now is a great time to start.)
No? Maybe you remember him from Kaitlyn Bristowe‘s season, where he was brought in at week 4, only to come in second place (again).
Still not ringing a bell? How about this last season of Bachelor in Paradise, where ABC managed to redeem him in the eyes of thousands of Bachelor and Bachelorette fans before announcing him as the new Bachelor?
Regardless, Nick is here to stay, and his lovely ladies to be were recently announced. Let’s take a look at our candidates, shall we?
Alexis, 23, New Jersey, Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
You read that correctly – an aspiring dolphin trainer. I literally just met some real life dolphin trainers, and I can say that Alexis doesn’t fit the bill for a trainer or Nick’s heart.
Angela, 26, South Carolina, Model
She’s got the southern belle look down – as long as she can pair it with a southern drawl, she can go far.
Astrid, 26, Florida, Plastic Surgery Office Manager
Hi Andi Dorfman 2.0! Once you look past that awful name, you’ll realize Astrid applied thinking this was the Real Housewives. In her questionnaire, she not only named Real Housewives as her guilty pleasure TV show, but her answer to “If I never had to _____, I would be very happy” was, you guessed it, work.
Briana, 28, Utah, Surgical Unit Nurse
If you didn’t already know, Nick has a thing for brunettes. She has one of the most respectable careers, but knowing that the most outrageous thing she’s ever done was move to UTAH, I can’t see her getting a lot of airtime. Expect her to make it to the travel rounds.
Brittany, 26, California, Travel Nurse
At first glance, I swore this was Jami. It’s not, but similar to Jami, Brittany seems a bit too normal to stick around long-term.
Christen, 25, Oklahoma, Wedding Videographer
I hate when people name their kids something normal, but spell it different. Do you think Christen ever found an ornament with her name on it at Silver Dollar City? For someone in the wedding industry, she is sure interested in politics. She’d like to be the President for a day, and break the law to hide inside the White House. With the current political state, we’ve at least got to keep her around long enough to here her debate.
Corinne, 24, Florida, Business Owner
We’ve got our first blonde! Plus, the most romantic city in her mind is Nick’s home base of Chicago. She’ll stick around til Top 5.
Danielle L., 27, California, Small Business Owner
Did I mention that almost every girl has tattoos? Again, Nick has a clearly defined taste in women. The first of our two Danielle’s states her favorite movies are “A Walk to Remember,” “Love Actually,” and “The Notebook,” so expect tears galore.
Danielle M., 31, Nashville, TN, Neonatal Nurse
Don’t you love her vibe? Unlike our previous contestants, this lady has a bit of a tomboy side. We’ve also got a strong backstory here – her fiancé passed away – so we’ll be keeping her around until we learn more.
Dominique, 25, LA, Restaurant Server
Is she the first Bachelor contestant to willingly admit she meets guys on Tinder and Bumble? Someone needs to do the research here. Also, she mentions Chipotle burritos twice in her questionnaire, so I like her.
Elizabeth (Liz), 29, Nevada, Doula
I know you’re trying to separate yourself from our other Elizabeth, but why not go with Liz to start? Regardless, she loves Bieber, hates golf, and hopes that she never has to kill someone. If that doesn’t sound like a shit-disturber, I don’t know what does.
Elizabeth, 24, Texas, Marketing Manager
Wait – we have another Bumble user?! I’ve been out of the game for too long. When I first saw her photo, I got Lauren vibes. After reading that she hopes her kids go to her high school, I realized why.
Hailey, 23, Canada, Photographer
For a photographer, she sure doesn’t understand how casting photos work. She approaches me as the type to yell “girl power” while listening to her favorite, Sheryl Crow.
Ida Marie, 23, Texas, Sales Manager
She just feels young. Not to mention, she attempted (and failed) at a famous Mean Girls line (her favorite animal? A giraffe, duh!) and wants to trade lives with Selena Gomez. Maybe her and our Beliber can form a bond. Or, after reading her fruit of choice (“Strawberry – they are sexual and taste great with wine), maybe not.
Jaimi, 28, New Orleans, Chef
Girlfriend catered the Oscars. It’s a shame her diet sounds so pretentious – the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
The Parks Department 